The Politically Correct Aladdin

I have very little explanation for the contents of this story. Basically, I heard some excerpts from politically correct fairy tales and decided to write one of my own for the talent show the night I left Egypt.


A long, long time ago, in a land that is in fact quite near, there resided a youngish chauvinistic non-white Middle Eastern male named Aladdin. Aladdin was a professional borrowing facilitator with a less than professional appearance due to his unfortunate status as a proletariat layman under the bourgeois regime of a Sultan; some simply referred to Aladdin as a “roguish thief” (to use their base and unenlightened terminology). Aladdin did not always wish to be this way, but due to negative and permanent events regarding his parents’ conscious contribution to this reality during his formative years, he was gradually conditioned and peer-pressured into this profession, which was certainly not unequal to other professions, but seemed unhelpful to his self-image and social interactions generally.

Despite his existence in the throes of oppression, Aladdin had one non-human animal friend with opposible thumbs and a fondness for wearing the culturally rich-imbued Fez hat. This furry friend’s name was Abu (although Aladdin, if he knew a name more preferable to Abu, would be perfectly willing to use it rather than impose his defamiliarizing and hegemonic title on a creature he called his friend).

Whether Abu was of a fiery Turkish or Arab heritage is unclear; nevertheless, Abu was testament to cultural diversity and was the kind of friend Aladdin could talk to–even when self help hotlines were unavailable, and even when Aladdin struggled with a sisha addiction because he never had a parent or responsible guardian to tell him to “just say no!”

One day, Aladdin and Abu were strolling down the street going about their professional responsibilities. Suddenly, Aladdin’s cellphone began to go off to the sound of Lady Gaga’s “Paparazzi,” a song which Aladdin thought to be a tragic expose of media hounds and their flagrant disregard to the privacy of talented and hardworking people who were well-known for their contributions in the entertainment industry. Hearing the chorus, a friendly neighborhood policeperson began to push Aladdin towards a nearby crowd, making him exceedingly nervous.

“The royal family is coming!” squealed an enthusiastic propaganda driven girl. Youngish Aladdin gave a big exhale of breath, such as any yoga instructor would proud of. The policeperson must have mistaken him for a member of the media, seeking to increase imperialist interests by providing proverbial opium for the masses (which would be okay, so long as everyone wanted it and received an equal share).

Aladdin, curious to visualize the faces of oppression, pressed closer to the curb. Everyone looked pretty ordinary to him, except for some men with curved swords who were dressed identically. Saddened by a regime that suppressed individual creativity in the self-actualizing outlet of clothing, and saddened also by the symbols of exclusion and flagrant dismissal of nonviolent ideals, Aladdin turned his head aside in shame, only to see some persun he would never forget.

If you were to ask Aladdin later, he would say she was cute, and an apparently smart and confident young womun. Other spectators in the crowd were less judicious, even degrading, as they referred to the wumun in question as “smoking hot” while exclaiming deplorable pick lines that objectified her such as, “You dropped something (my heart),” and more blatantly, desperate cries of “Marry me, princess!” Aladdin was very surprised to hear that this capable-looking young womun being carried in the procession was actually the brood of the Machiavellian Sultan himself! He glanced at her concernedly–anxiously–and caught her gaze in a less than neutral way, whereupon the princess folded her arms and ordered the matching soldiers to throw him in a detainment center for staring correction.

Due to the cacophony and crowded nature of the streets, Abu did not realize the grave and heinous deed committed against his equal but ill-fated friend Aladdin. Bereaved by the callous decision of the royal progeny, Abu began to lobby his local congressmen and called a press conference. Because these institutions were irreversibly corrupted, Abu attempted one last appeal to an organization he knew and loved–People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals.

After a rousing and moving speech form Abu concerning the Universal Rights of animals, INCLUDING HIS BROTHERS, THE PRIMATES, the council agreed that it was their right–nay, their responsibility!–to see to Aladdin’s case.

So it twas that on the third day and the seventh hour, Abu strode into the correction center headquarters with an official two hundred page letter that basically granted Aladdin freedom from his bonds. Tearing up a little at this symbol of universal harmony and affirmed in his role as a loyal friend, Abu approached Aladdin’s holding room with affixed iron retaining devices and ignored the belligerent remarks of deserving wrongdoers who mocked his tail and spoke of the murderous proposition of fashioning his fur into a hat.

Delighted with his success, Abu produced the letter of Aladdin’s freedom with a flourish…yet Aladdin would not be moved. He was lovestruck in the more archetypal way, and it was beyond Abu’s comprehension. Hurt and frustrated, and without a therapist to consult, Abu departed, setting out on a pilgrimage to Turkey with aspirations to meditate away his troubles after the Sufi method of whirling. Legend has it he achieved oneness and lived out his days in a monastery whilst sipping Chai.

Shortly after Abu’s departure, Aladdin was having a similarly philosophically profound moment as he became hungry while watching PBS. By the by, a cloaked librarian came to the door. S(he) tossed in a scroll than whispered, “Wanna buy a watch?”

Aladdin, tempted but concerned about his consumer choices, replied, “Is it free trade?”

S(he) stammered, “Actually, uh, hmm. If it’s free trade you’re wanting, I have an offer you can’t refuse. That is, you could, but you probably won’t, because it is economically advantageous.”

“Oh?” said Aladdin, in a flat voice, clearly unimpressed due to his pristine code of ethics that compelled his to abhor get-rich-quick-schemes. With a victorious air, Aladdin added, “And I suppose this ponsy scheme involves my wealthy estate in Nigeria?”

The sarcasm was lost on the s(he). “Do you mean to say you are a political prisoner!?”

“Well, no. Maybe?”

The s(he) explained that a deep and cavernous location in an unspecified area happened to contain a small box of great value. “Bring this to me,” said the s(he), “and you may keep anything else you find.”

Intrigued by benevolence and the possibility of earning a living (as well as a not-so-proverbial get-out-of-jail-free card), Aladdin chose to accept this mission, and, through some absurd syllogistic leaps, determined this might aid his amicable and well-intended desire to converse with the self-assured, confident womun unfortunately situated as princess of the highly democratic regime of the Sultan.

“Now,” said the s(he), “just clap your hands three times and say, ‘Open Sesame.'”

“‘Open Sesame?’ Are you serious?” said a distressed Aladdin. “First of all, I’m allergic. Second, why sesame? Why not sunflower, or pumpkin?”

“Tolerance towards all,” quoth the s(he) and Aladdin soon found himself in front of a large cavern. With a fleeting thought towards mining unions, Aladdin mumbled the password, walked in and grabbed the box, which, to his chagrin, contained a priceless visa card–platinum.

What a priceless testament to the materialistic downfall of human and animal kind! Feeling used, Aladdin felt the kind of hopelessness that comes with the willful destruction of rain forests. He shoved the card in his pocket and as he left, then unceremoniously tripped on a stupid carpet and went flying through the air, landing on his face.

Incensed by several days in prison and by the wiles of consumerism, and similarly impressed by a chaste admiration for a certain woman, Aladdin decided he’d had enough. Exiting the cavern, he hitchhiked on a well-groomed, well-fed, and happily contented camel without a carbon footprint and soon arrived of the gates of the Sultan’s palace.

“I am Aladdin,” he yelled. Everyone seemed to ignore him in a non-uplifting manner, so he declared, “I have found a genie.”

“I dream of genie!” Exclaimed a member of the council, whereupon Aladdin quickly found himself in an audience with the despot Sultan, who taxed the poor and advocated the right to bear arms.

“Actually,” Aladdin began to murmur, a little impressed with himself, “I told a white bluff for the common good of everyone. In truth–” He paused, distracted by the entrance of a womun. “In truth–I love this woman, the princess, and I call for an end to your imperialist and dastardly rule of this august citizenry!”

The Sultan hesitated a long minute, a minute that felt as tense as overtime in a Superbowl football game. Then he said, “Jasmine–follow your heart.”

“My well-esteemed guardian,” the princess replied, “my heart says this is a young fool without the decency to even let a woman open a door for herself! And actually, she realized, “I’ve already put him in a correctional facility once before.”

The Sultan was inspired–“From henceforward, I will pour  more funds into correctional facilities, and I will make certain that the mentally disturbed and economically disadvantaged will get the counseling they need–however long it takes!”

The court applauded politely–not too long, not too short. A flabbergasted Aladdin was escorted back to the correctional facility.

After years of unanswered appeals, and with a waning luster for life, Aladdin continued to languish in–let’s face it, prison–where he wrote his memoirs. Years later he would win the Nobel Peace Prize for the promotion of correctionally facilitated and oppressed individuals. The final words of his final book were simple–poignant–

Let’s pretend that airplanes were shooting stars,

That all bourgeois were sent to Mars

Pray oil be removed from our cars

And hope no chickens get SARS.



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